Finding the Wolf

I hold myself to a very high standard in all areas of my life, but none more than my spiritial life.  I’m a seeker with no boundaries or real guidelines for how I walk my spiritual path.  This week I began to lose my way, so I created a self-directed spiritual retreat. I needed answers.

I’m trying to get my coaching and consulting business off the ground and at the same time worried about how to smartly invest in the business without losing my shirt.  A few weeks back, I thought it’s time to get a job, and I’ll just work on my business in the evenings–take the long view.

Conservative and realistic, a way of being that has always been hard for me.  I’m idealistic and never want to compromise.  I thought, good, this is growth for me.  I had a quick response for one job, and I thought, this is it, I’m on the right path.  But then, it quickly fell through.  September was like this for me.  I experienced high’s and low’s from at one point negotiating a 9-5 job, several consulting contracts and new clients to watch it all go away as easily as they came into my life.

No wonder, I’m confused.  What am I suppose to be doing?  What is my higher purpose right now?

And, then, the wolf showed up in my dreams.  I’ve never had a wolf in my dreams before.  And it scared the crap out of me.  I actually beat it up with a rug that appeared and was relieved that it seemed to not want to bother me.  But, then, I told my cousin about it and she said, “You had a shamanistic dream.”

How could I have not seen that?!  Sometimes, we can become so self-absorbed in our own worry and anxiety that we don’t actually see the big signs that we are supposed to see.  Well, low and behold, according to my animal totem sign the wolf is my spirit guide.

It’s moments like this that confirm my believe in something more.  And beg me to look further for what I am not getting.  The wolf can show up in your dreams to teach us balance between our needs and our family’s needs.  It shows us the deeper wisdom that we are currently needing to move beyond where we are stuck.

I wanted to know what the wolf had to teach me.  So, I invited the wolf to come back into my dreams.  And she did.  This time she showed herself to be beautiful and friendly.  Calm and fierce.  Powerful and soft.

I was reminded of the duality of ourselves that we so often have to grapple with in this world.  What we really want vs. what we think we can realistically get.  Passion for life vs. the dullness of our daily routines.  Going after greatness vs. shrinking back out of fear.

Now I get it.  The wolf came to teach me that reacting out of fear is not the answer.  How not be afraid when life doesn’t go as you plan has got to be the hardest feat.  The easiest thing to do when you’re afraid is what you always do.  For me, it’s to fall back onto what I know, getting a job, being a good manager, researcher, whatever is needed of me.

So, what’s the hardest thing to do when we are afraid?  Perhaps, it’s nothing.  Doing nothing makes us sit with our fear and go beyond who we are when afraid.

That’s where the self-directed spiritual retreat comes in.  I’ve been sitting with it for 2 days now.  Meditating, doing yoga, journaling and asking for the world of dreams to show me my mistakes and my opportunities.  The clouds haven’t lifted yet, but I feel like I’m getting there.

In a book I’m currently reading, Mutant Message from Down Under, I was struck by this piece of wisdom:

“To be one [i.e., all connected to the same one beingness of the universe] does not mean we are all the same.  Each being is unique.  No two occupy the same space. As the leaf needs all the parts for completion, so each spirit has its special place.  People can try to maneuver, but in the end each will return to the right place.  Some of us seek a straight path, while others enjoy the weariness of making circles.”

I pray that I have the patience to make it around the circles that I have yet to complete.  Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll have some straight lines between the circles.

One thing I know for sure is that the wolf is real.  After she came to me twice in my dreams, my mother called me with surprising news.  A female wolf showed up that morning at their house.  My brother was due to leave that morning for his lone journey into adulthood.  The wolf came to assure everybody that he, and all of us, would be okay.